I am so very, very upset. The news of my health keeps getting worse. So, the surgeon had to carve into my trachea in order to get clean margins on the cancer. He told Huz that there was a “very small” risk that I’d get a hole in my trachea due to this, but it was unlikely. Enter the Daycare Cold from Hell that I contracted three days after surgery. Seems all the coughing, sneezing and nose blowing perforated my trachea. I’m now venting air into the soft tissue of my neck. This explains the intense chest pain I had on Tuesday (air pushing on my organs – if you’ve ever had painful intestinal gas, you know what this feels like). It also explains why I woke up a few days ago with a sore neck and when I went to massage the muscle it felt like there was bubble wrap crinkling underneath. This is a crazy thing called subcutaneous emphysema and wikipedia has it right when they explain it as rice krispies under the skin. It also explains why when I blow my nose my neck puffs up like a bull frog. It’s supposed to close on it’s own, so I just have to do all I can to keep the hole closed (no coughing, no heavy lifting). All of this to say that I’m still not feeling well and now I’ve been advised not to fly on an airplane, lest I get a collapsed lung because of the low pressure. Freaking Fantastic. There go our fun Colorado Christmas plans with our families. There goes the spa day with my mom and 2 sisters where we were going to get massages and pedicures. There goes the two nights in a bed and breakfast for Huz and I so we could celebrate our belated 14th wedding anniversary while Grandmo watches Claire. There goes Christmas as I know it and love it.

We considered driving, but it’s a 17 hour drive (if you don’t stop), but we have a 14 month old who likely would not take too lightly to being strapped in a car seat for 17-20 hours. And, on top of that, Claire has been throwing up for 2 days now. We don’t know why. She’s acting normally and has no fever, but she keeps throwing up and we keep having to bathe her and wash all of her bedding. I just hope she doesn’t choke on her vomit as she’s sleeping.

I am so depressed. I have to ask why this is all happening to me and what I did to deserve this. I simply don’t know.