I’ve never understood addictions. I was always rather straight-laced growing up (I suffer from being a first-born) and was too busy with Honor Roll, folk dancing, cheerleading, and being a Thespian to dabble into drugs or alcohol. So the idea of being addicted to something is beyond me. I mean, come on, the first time I tried pot was when I was 29 years old and the only reason I wanted to try it was to be able to say I did it before I turned 30 (I’m living large over here, folks). I watch movies like Owning Mohowny or Love Liza (yes, I love Philip Seymour Hoffman, people) and just shake my head. I see the tabloids of pitiful Hollywood youth after pitiful Hollywood youth who has checked into rehab again and I shake my head. I just don’t get it. I’ve never understood how substances have power over you and take over your life.


Until last week, when I was told that I had to stop eating foods with sugar or yeast in them due to an on-going yeast infection in my milk ducts. I promptly learned what addiction was then. My body was like, “what the fuck!?” when I stopped eating sweets for 3 straight days and it promptly made me eat profuse amounts of them for the next 3 days. I am clearly addicted to sugar and I don’t know how to stop. I think about it at night after dinner – imagining the cool, sweet feel of ice cream on my tongue, or the satisfying crunch of a chocolate-covered peanut. It’s practically impossible to pass on the cookie in the boxed lunches at work meetings (not the mention that they are sandwiches and, hello? bread has yeast in it). I’m completely surrounded by sugar and to be told I can’t have it? Laughable. And then there’s the yeast thing. Okay, so I can’t have bagels or english muffins for breakfast anymore. Great. My only option, other than starving, is to become one of those people and spend $5 on a loaf of yeast-free, tree-hugging bread. Which I did and it’s really not bad if I’m honest with you. But $5!? Gah! So what can I eat for breakfast other than eggs, yeast-free toast and plain yogurt? I can’t have cereal because there’s too much sugar, I can’t have waffles or pancakes because of the carbs (even if I could, I can’t have syrup), I can’t have fruit. And, the worst part? After 9 long months of being told I couldn’t drink? I can’t have WINE because it’s fermented and encourages yeast growth! Are you KIDDING me, people!?

Excuse me while I whither and die over here in my pitiful addiction to sugar and yeast.