I made an effort to purge my closet of useless clothes last night. You know the useless ones, right? They’re the ones (too tight, too loose, a little out of style but I’m sure it’ll come back, hangs wrong on my shoulders, shows too much cleavage, etc.) that I’ve pushed back and forth on the closet rod for a year (or seven) without ever taking off the hanger and actually, you know, like wearing. I got rid of a large brown bag’s worth (to be dropped off at Goodwill this weekend) and it feels pretty good.

So when I got dressed for work this morning I decided to wear something other than the same 2 rotating bras that I wear on a daily basis. I have quite a bit more than 2 bras in my underwear drawer and I need to use them. I pulled out a lacy number that my mom gave me years ago and was quite pleased by the perkiness factor looking back at me in the mirror. Off to work I went (after putting clothes on, thank you very much).

Now I remember why that bra was lying in the drawer for so long. It makes noise when I move. A lot of noise. I just reached across the keyboard with my right hand to get the pen on my desk and a giant SQUUUUEEEEEAKKKKKK came out of my right armpit. (Underwire plus some kind of funky fabric makes weird noises.) Lovely. It’s a regular cacophony when I flap my arms like a chicken. I had to tell my suite-mate that my bra was making noises today and it’s not because I have fake boobs, I swear. Which lead to laughing and her longing to have larger breasts (a feeling I do not share) and an inflatable bra. We thought this would be a cool invention for the bust-challenged and I suggested that it be manually operated on each side (for the lopsided amongst us) so I immediately turned around and googled “inflatable bra” to see if it had been invented yet. Damn, it has, but it’s a little outdated and pointy, methinks. This one is a bit better.

I’ve come to the conclusion that this rambunctious bra needs to go into the brown bag of castaways pronto and that I need a better fitting bra. What brand is your favorite? I’ve been buying Victoria’s Secret for a few years but am not convinced they’re that great. [I need good, long-lasting quality and a good, supportive fit. Smooth is preferred to lacy bumps. Anyone tried the Wacaol or Chantelle that Bitch Ph.D. talks about?)