I love me some Mimi Smartypants. Really, I do. But reading her delicious writing creates a distinct binary of emotions in me. I get simultaneously amused and jealous. Amused because I laugh my ass off at her witty writing and snarky attitude, jealous because I’ll never be able to write as well as she does.

I particularly enjoyed some of her recent conversations, especially the one with her daughter.

Check it.

IMAGINARY CONVERSATIONS

Yeshiva Boy In My Neighborhood #1: Is that a new suit?
YBIMN #2: Yeah. Hand-me-down from my cousin.
YBIMN #1: It is remarkably ill-fitting!
YBIMN #2: Yo, check it: I’m wearing it with white socks, bro.
YBIMN #2: Damn. ALL the Rachels be wanting your fine ass.
YBIMN #1: You know it. Somebody get Potok on the line! New title: The Chosen…For The Best-Dressed List!
YBIMN #2: He died in 2002 but in a non-literal way I totally understand what you mean!

Empty Cheeto Bag: I am but a husk, friendless in an uncaring world. Emptied of my cheesy snack goodness, I was cast aside without a care. I drift hither and yon, the lowliest of the low, buffeted by the wind and by the unseeing feet of vast multitudes. My future is dark indeed, and I long for merciful unconsciousness.
Me [walking past]: Christ, that’s enough. Get over yourself.
Empty Cheeto Bag: Shut up, bitch! I wasn’t even talking to you!
Me [turning around to flash the “L For Loser” signal on my forehead]
Empty Cheeto Bag [calling after me as I walk away]: Fuck you!

REAL ONE THAT WAS EVEN STRANGER

Nora has this huge playground ball, really more the size of a stability/exercise ball. The other day she put it on the toilet, where it was quite a sight for me when I walked into the bathroom and found this multicolored 20-inch orb rising out of the bowl.

Me: Wow, what’s this?
Nora: I’m pretending that’s poop.
Me: It’s huge!
Nora: A huge piece of poop. A gargantuan piece of poop. I’m sorry, but it will not go down with the flusher.
Me: Who pooped this huge poop? Was it you?
Nora: No. I don’t know who did it, because I wasn’t there.
Me: I guess it will just be a mystery then.
Nora: Maybe it was a wild boar.

This child is so weird sometimes. A wild boar? You are pretending that a wild boar broke into the house and took a beach-ball-sized dump in our toilet? Okay.

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